I find myself in a bit of a mental rut of sorts. Have you ever felt this way? Where you’re cruising along, life is pretty peachy and even keel, you feel connected, in a good rhythm and all is good and then out of nowhere it hits. You wake up and it’s on your mind. You fight it, try to rebuke it, release it, forget it…and yet it still lingers and surfaces. That damned feeling of loneliness.
Sure, you take the time to write down every reason to redirect and reframe the feeling, the thought that you are overlooked or the invite to you is forgotten and yet it still sits within you.
My dog has what we call “fomo”, which is extreme fear of missing out. If she’s in a room with the door closed and people are in the other room, she can’t help but vocalize it. Relentless and anxious whining and whimpering until she’s included. Yes, my dog has fomo to the degree that it’s defined at it’s fullest, and sadly I found that this was my current dilemma fomo mixed with a great dose of loneliness, and my crazy nut mind was getting the best of me.
I found this surfacing for me recently when a friend who is typically pretty responsive and genuinely thoughtful in my life was just unresponsive. I found myself waiting on plans we had tentatively made and by the time we were intended to get together, I hadn’t heard a word, not a peep just silence from my text inbox and no missed calls notification.
The week progressed and I thought this was strange and yet the feelings lingered, then all up out of nowhere another friend flakes on a lunch date. So then my mind starts racing and I can’t get it to slow the freak down. “What if this is a pattern? What if they’re just to busy? What if it’s me? What if they’re trying to tell me something? What if I’m just not good enough?” Ouch. There it is, the scary thought that I may not be enough to matter to others. Is that scary to think? It’s scary to put on paper, yet it came down to the core of my freak out.
I then found myself noticing every little thing that could indicate this in my friendships, where did I find evidence of this….oh the wonderful world of social media. (meh, the playground for comparison). As the week progressed I found this lingering feelings to grow invasively, and find me in my constant thoughts.
Throughout all of this I felt a tiny nudge in my heart, you know that quiet soft whisper of a feeling nudging me to point my thoughts and my heart in a different direction.
I fought it. I found the need to justify the reason and to fix why ever I would be the one left out, forgotten and less than. “Oh it must be because I’m too deep of a feeler” or “It must just be because of my current schedule” etc. etc. etc. Yes and all the while I attempt to make plans with whomever and hate to admit it but likely sound desperate if I had a bird’s-eye view of myself. (sigh)
Yet that nudging whisper just won’t let up. “Point your mind and set your heart in a different direction.”
Again, did I follow through and listen to this voice promptly? Not exactly…
It wasn’t until I went to a women’s event and hear the amazing speaker and author “Lisa Bevere” (and mind you I was with a girlfriend for heaven’s sake) that I see a verse posted loud and bold stating:
It is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time: repetitive, loveless, cheap sex; a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage; frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness; trinket gods; magic-show religion; paranoid loneliness; cutthroat competition; all-consuming-yet-never-satisfied wants; a brutal temper; an impotence to love or be loved; divided homes and divided lives; small-minded and lopsided pursuits; the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival; uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions; ugly parodies of community. I could go on. {Galatians 5:19-21 MSG}
Ouch!
The words “paranoid loneliness” stuck out to me loud and clear (my friend even nudged me because she heard me ranting about it before the event) Wow. While it stung in my heart to hear it, a part of me found some relief to have some guidance and something of clarity to help me define and claim it. I realized I have been living in a way to try to get my “own” way, the evidence to suggest this…my complaining.
I have been humbled. I realized in all this pursuit and chaotic searching for validation be it from swirling constant what ifs and because of’s in my mind, I was doing nothing but running in circles and not only that, missing out entirely on the beautiful things that were right in front of me. Thank God he doesn’t give up on us. I found the answer to my insecure seeking was in Him. I took Him up on the warning. The next morning I found myself being intentional to sit quietly and re-open the book to which I was given the wisdom, yes by that I mean the Bible. Did I find the resolution and written answer to all my problems and the ability to completely change my thoughts, no. What I found was peace and the loving reminder that my worth is found in Him. That He will tolerate no other to sit on the throne of our hearts including ourselves. I found myself in the Psalms and two phrases that are commonly heard struck my heart and redirected my mind. “Let go and let God.”
Give us help from trouble: for vain is the help of man.
Through God we shall do valiantly: for he it is that shall tread down our enemies. {Psalm 108:12-13 KJV}
What I have been searching for was the validation of man. The validation that if I’m “included”, if I’m “paid attention to”, if I’m” invited” then I’m enough.
Do you notice what word is used the most in this?? “I’m.”
I’ve been making it all about me and I’ve been giving my mind over to my own way while inviting the chaos of my own mind have its way in trying to solve a problem and the enemy (satan) to have a way into my pride. We must remember that our minds are a battlefield and we have to protect it. How do we do this? By giving it guidance, giving ourselves truth to meditate on so that when we wander, we have something stronger and greater than ourselves to stand on and fight the fight for us, in this case my own humbling battle of insecurity and anxiety.
Through all of this and when I finally did take in my needed dose of truth did my friends end up reaching out and all the mishaps of feeling disconnected and left out leave?
Nope.
What did come was grace.
I found that while I could take in the grace to realize that I needed to get out of my own way and let God have His way that I was given an embrace of grace. That God was not giving me this word and lesson to belittle or judge me, but to nudge me in love with grace and even further I found I’m able to extend grace to the friends I felt hurt by. That my heart and perspective could open up more to give room to the possibility of they’re own busy lives and that I could have understanding not expectations for them.
I definitely got a reality check over the course of this of what it really means to be a good friend, the kind of friend I hope to have is the kind of friend I also need to be.
Lesson learned. In all of that I am going to work on focusing my mind towards truth rather than try to do it all my own way and extend grace.
I hope my own struggle can be a safe and assuring place hearing from one messy human to another and encouragement to continue to take on the battlefield of your own mind when it wanders at times like these and to fight with strategy and the effective equipment you need, an encouraging word from God to know that we are loved and more than enough in who He created us to be.
That our voids and longings we try to fill can only be fully satisfied in Him and that He alone can make us valiant and able to stand against and take on the crafty messages and schemes the enemy may try to disarm us with.
We are so loved,
Crys
Clearly Defined and Embodied 